RustBelt
Champion Author
Nashville
Posts:8,529
Points:744,880
Joined:Mar 2006
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Message Posted: Apr 16, 2007 11:54:46 PM
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves
at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present
something Christmasey.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a Christmas card, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of panties.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks "how do these represent Christmas?"
He answered, "They're Christmas Carole's."
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RustBelt
Champion Author
Nashville
Posts:8,529
Points:744,880
Joined:Mar 2006
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Message Posted: Apr 16, 2007 11:49:28 PM
Gladys was the Preacher Dunn's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church.
One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation
fell asleep. After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking
gentleman.
In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said,
"Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
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RustBelt
Champion Author
Nashville
Posts:8,529
Points:744,880
Joined:Mar 2006
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Message Posted: Apr 16, 2007 11:45:25 PM
A Tough Tax Question?
Is Viagra a Medical deduction or an Entertainment Expense?
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RustBelt
Champion Author
Nashville
Posts:8,529
Points:744,880
Joined:Mar 2006
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Message Posted: Apr 16, 2007 11:42:20 PM
Letterman: How wet is it? I saw a squirrel in Central Park sandbagging its nuts.
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RustBelt
Champion Author
Nashville
Posts:8,529
Points:744,880
Joined:Mar 2006
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Message Posted: Feb 28, 2007 7:30:00 PM
HYPOCRISY
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times; Don't Exaggerate!"
== THINGS THAT MOMMA TAUGHT ME ==
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RustBelt
Champion Author
Nashville
Posts:8,529
Points:744,880
Joined:Mar 2006
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Message Posted: Feb 28, 2007 7:24:47 PM
METEROLOGY
"This room of yours looks as if a TORNADO went through HERE!"
== THINGS THAT MOMMA TAUGHT ME ==
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ClayGal
Champion Author
Jacksonville
Posts:35,693
Points:1,066,145
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: Feb 17, 2007 4:47:31 PM
Grandfather in the Ark?
My sister's eldest boy liked nothing better than to sit on his grandfather's knee and have stories read to him. One day after a story about Noah's ark, and how Noah led pairs of animals to the safety of the ark. The little boy asked, "Granddad, you are very old, were you in Noah's ark?" "Gosh no", said Granddad." " In that case, how come you didn't drown when the flood came?"
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ClayGal
Champion Author
Jacksonville
Posts:35,693
Points:1,066,145
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: Feb 17, 2007 4:46:39 PM
And they ask why people like retirement....?
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answers: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
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ClayGal
Champion Author
Jacksonville
Posts:35,693
Points:1,066,145
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: Feb 17, 2007 4:46:05 PM
50 Dollars is 50 Dollars
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say,” Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter." Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said "Esther I’m 85 years old. if I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.” Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars." The pilot over heard the couple and said, "folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride; if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! but if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. the pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. he did his dare devil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "by golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I’m impressed!"
Morris replied, "well I almost said something when Esther fell out, but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"
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drtrouble
Champion Author
Chicago
Posts:2,709
Points:162,800
Joined:Jun 2005
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Message Posted: Dec 4, 2006 1:38:06 PM
Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Classic Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts includes hip, knee, cornea, recent valve job. Not best running condition, but walks well.
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Mel5253
Champion Author
Wisconsin
Posts:3,656
Points:1,490,730
Joined:Jun 2005
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Message Posted: Dec 1, 2006 11:39:53 AM
If i knew i was going to live this long,I would have taken better care of my self.
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cinderellato
Rookie Author
Phoenix
Posts:74
Points:1,750
Joined:Nov 2006
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Message Posted: Nov 30, 2006 10:32:39 PM
I have a great memory...It's just short
It is hard to get up in the morning but that gives me more time to think..
just how important is it to get up anyways?
Because I found out 4 doors aren't as dorky as they used to be and have broke myself of the habit of sliding down so no-one will recognize me.
It's ok to color my hair, people won't talk behind my back.
I worked hard to get where I am but hardly know where I'm going anymore.
I can say, I did it. I made it past 30. Wow, now that is something.
I don't hold anything against the youth of today, I can't hardly see em anway.
I really don't need those darn road signs anyways. As long as I have been driving I can fake me way preeeetttty well.
I have accepted my glasses. Just READING glasses mind you!!!!!
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cruzin05
Champion Author
Illinois
Posts:38,956
Points:1,085,620
Joined:Aug 2005
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Message Posted: Feb 13, 2006 11:34:57 PM
A thong looks good over my depends!! :)
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coman123
Sophomore Author
Ontario
Posts:153
Points:28,265
Joined:Sep 2005
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Message Posted: Oct 23, 2005 2:24:47 PM
because I went to the dr's the other day and he said I'v got bad news
you have terminal cancer and you will die in 3 days, you also have Alzheimer's Disease
I said, thats ok as long as I dont have terminal cancer !!
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zippylady
Champion Author
Toronto
Posts:38,444
Points:2,778,830
Joined:Aug 2005
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Message Posted: Aug 25, 2005 12:42:24 AM
I wasn't expected to live past thirty.....told them to jump in the lake!
Didn't ever accept their prognosis....I won.
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allieweasel
Rookie Author
Tampa
Posts:11
Points:1,375
Joined:Aug 2005
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Message Posted: Aug 22, 2005 2:44:02 PM
Black socks look so awesome with sandals.
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CheePio
Champion Author
Columbus
Posts:15,928
Points:2,832,140
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: Aug 7, 2005 11:06:04 PM
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
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CheePio
Champion Author
Columbus
Posts:15,928
Points:2,832,140
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: Aug 7, 2005 11:04:57 PM
I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
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CheePio
Champion Author
Columbus
Posts:15,928
Points:2,832,140
Joined:May 2005
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Message Posted: Aug 7, 2005 11:04:01 PM
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
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